Pets

 I know people for whom pets are their beloved children. I find it a little odd. I shall not tell a lie.

I’ve witnessed haughty middle-agers sail through rooms, all pride and hubris to lick-kiss bemused blank faced arse-eating animals.

I have heard words used like child and baby and I cringe for both parties.

If the animal could understand, I wonder if it would think…steady on, let’s not get ahead of ourselves - I want to travel…. I’m 53!

…your top lip does smell of beef though…would you mind if i just?…waste not want not….

I love being around Animals. They make me happy. Ding arches his brow when I say for the umpteenth time as a cat passes, Isn’t it amazing how a completely different species accepts our presence in its space.

I like them - but I never think that They are We.

Yeah? big deal. We do. Deal with it.

Fair enough.

This morning I had the telly on in the background as I was getting Finny ready for school.

Yes! … Says a Dog mother....he’s unfit because he does like his food….curry, fish and chips…ice-cream…he’s gotta cut back..

I look down at my dear old labrador who smells so bad I am loathe to invite in casual callers.

I pictured myself doing the same interview….Tilly?…Oh she doesn’t know she’s a dog…ooh yes, she’s a bit unfit…she needs to cut down…her favourites?…Erm?…meat, fish, cat food, bread for the birds, dirty dishwasher when she can get it…all kinds of food really..

…road-kill, chicken-shit, cat regurgitation…dirt..wood that looks like chicken-shit and do you know?.. when she walks in on someone on the toilet, you could almost hear her saying to you “well, if you’re throwing that away..” …she do like to eat.

We don’t kiss.

12 Responses to “Pets”


  1. 1 rustiallen October 31, 2007 at 4:57 pm

    HA!!!!!!!!! guilty here..although my kitty is so obnoxious and aloof, she’s perfect for me. she’s eaten the same dry food her whole life and will only drink out of the toilet. she acts as though i’m a guest in her domain and i should feel lucky to be here. no dogs for me, too needy and demanding of my attention. for me, it’s muriel…my little whore as i lovingly call her.

  2. 2 drpiglet75 November 1, 2007 at 11:32 am

    Hello! I have to say my 2 cats, Kerplunk and Finaghy are wonderful - pains in the ass at 3 o’clock in the morning when they decided to run riot - but when my other half is on night duty they crawl into the bed and and cuddle up, without asking, or should i say without having to drag them… They are also great to watch most haunted with - well, stop me from scaring the crap out of myself. Ah, my little gattis…

  3. 3 alroald November 1, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    Mmmh! We have a cat called Sybille (sibilla), She has the run of our big garden and is quite an outdoor cat. Very independent. Knows her own mind. I suppose she is a bit of a surrogate child as I will never have children. I have noticed that people who do have kids are somehow different with their pets. We don’t own her, we are her servants. We do love her although we don’t kiss. She does suck my T-shirt each morning though. Like she thinks milk is in there somewhere, not sure what that’s all about. ? ! :-)

  4. 4 mikiedoo November 1, 2007 at 10:30 pm

    couldn’t agree more.. we have pets and i love them to bits, but i’m not or ever likely to be in love with my pets. What gross’s me out more than anything is seeing someone snuggling upto a pooch while it persistantly exfoliates its owners face with its tongue… (barf)… their animals for god sake… love them don’t be in love with them. ;)

  5. 5 neamhain November 2, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Our little loveys! Aren’t we all PACK animals that desire companionship and thrive on the hierarchy of love? I find cats to be amazing psychic healers and such therapeutic comfort. Cats have an uncanny ability to take your pain into themselves.

    Let’s just say that the more people I meet, the more I love my pets.

  6. 6 alisonmoyet November 3, 2007 at 9:07 am

    …ah but the point is…do you lick them more? x

  7. 7 rob4 November 3, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    I laughed for 4 minutes at the last line. :)

    It’s true. I get a bit disgruntled when I hear of my friends who allow their animals up in the bed when they are sleeping. I don’t see that. I also don’t understand people’s propensity to cats over dogs or vice/versa. Granted, cats need less of us, and more of them, but a dog will (usually) do what you command, and show undying affection. I guess there’s something to it with different personalities. Neediness may result in someone favoring a cat, whereas more independent people may favor a dog? Hmm… I guess that can work both ways. I have both, so I don’t know where I fit.
    Sometimes, I am very glad dogs and cats can’t talk (if you see what I am saying). lol ;)

  8. 8 simoncl November 5, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    Can’t be doing with all that ‘animal-baby’ talk…I cringe when I hear some of the little darlings in the park.

    I’m a fish man myself so thankfully the kissing opportunities are limited. We do admire through the glass, usually around feeding time on their part. There’s a prison visit feel to our relationship, although they are largely innocent - barring huge fishy poo crimes on the eye.

  9. 9 yfke November 16, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    I have never felt the need to have my cats lick me or vice versa (I mean, I know where they’ve been, I know where I’ve been, and the two really needn’t mix).
    My last cat had the habit to, when I was lying on the couch reading or sleeping, settle against my tush and stay there for as long as I’d allow. A whole other form of inappropriate intimacy with pets, or just another weird kitty habit?

  10. 10 alisonmoyet November 17, 2007 at 8:31 am

    I’d call that keeping warm. x

  11. 11 alisonmoyet November 17, 2007 at 8:33 am

    …unless gaffa tape was applied

  12. 12 yfke November 20, 2007 at 10:50 am

    now you’re just giving people ideas ;-)

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